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The Stephen Hawking Guide To
Life, Fun And Happiness - Part 1
Hello I am Stephen Hawking. The cripple in a wheelchair
who talks through a computer *beep beep*
This is my guide to fun. Because being clever and a
retard does not mean I am boring... *windows protection error,
please restart* Oh buggeeererer jojojo mooo moooo
mooo I am a chicken, I like dolphins brrrr ding dong...Damn
computers..
Ever since I became a spastic I have tried to live my
life to the full. Apart from being cleverer then the average genius
I like to hold monthly seminars in church halls on how to live life
to the full. These amazing seminars are always full and never
disappoint. We even have tea and biscuits, even if I do dribble mushed up digestive down my shirt.
My first lesson is not to worry and try and least smile
once a day. This for me is very difficult as my face is permanently
contorted in a grimace of disease. Although I do get a round of
applause when I try!! Even if life seems really hard, a smile will
make you feel at least 3.4 times better. I worked this out myself
using quantum mechanics and the ratio of facial muscles to Prozac
sales. Once you have your smile it is important to hold it as long
as you can (not a problem for me) then do something creative. I like
going scuba diving and paragliding, but of course you could do
something more lower class and easy like mating or betting on
horses.
I often get asked what is the key to a long life. Well
the answer is drinking ones own urine. When I was a little lad
before I became a item of ridicule for small children with sticks I
used to consume at least 13 gallons a year of my own yellow gravy.
These days of course the nurse feeds it to me via a special
bag/straw combo. So I hopefully will live to 200 and be KING OF
THE WORLD MWAHAHAHA. But on a more serious note don't eat faeces
as they have the reverse effect of urea. Just look at the German
race.
A lot of people ask me how to make friends as they are
sadly quite lonely in their existence. The advice I give to these
people is as follows. First there is the drastic way. Become like
your saviour ME. Yes surveys have shown that becoming
severely disabled brings you lots of attention. Especially from
charity workers called Sue and Lenny Henry. Of course. if this does
not work try molesting a goat. That worked for Keith Chegwin.
Here is a a letter I got from a concerned parent from
Halifax..
Dear Stephen. Is it wrong to smack my child. He
keeps being a very naughty boy and doing bad things. He is 52.
Signed Edna, aged 82
Well in my opinion I would beat him some more.
Naughty boy.
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