The Bum Bugle

You can recycle bottles, paper, cans...now tramps?

An ingenious scheme set up by Stoke county council is up for a National award from the "keep britain tidy" group. As well as having good all round facilities for recycling all sorts of house hold waste a new type of recycling bank has been set up for tramps. So popular have this banks become that reports have come in that they are already overflowing after just several days use.

Public opinion is high with tramp hunts taking place to have the honour of dumping a tramp. Government officials warn people to be careful carrying out this task and to wear protective clothing

"This is a really good idea. The amount of disgusting tramps on the street has virtually vanished. The streets are cleaner, safer and less smelly" said John Williams, the town mayors friend.

The banks when filled get taken to a specially reprocessing plant where the tramps are cleaned with industrial strength cleaner then sent to work on mining colonies in West Africa

The tramp bank

Mobile Phone Brian Damage

Up North - New reports from the scientific community show that constant use of mobile phones can cause Brian Damage. Long term use by people called Brian are more likely to have accidents and hurt themselves. There is a fierce debate going on between the leading mobile phone companies and the scientists conducting this research. So far only 4 Brians have injured themselves due to the phones but warning other Brians to try and use the phones left. Brian Jones, who works for Nokia says - "I have been a Brian now for 34 years and nothing has happened to me". Signs that your Brian might be damaged include - 1,Brian falling over a lot when talking on the phone 2, Brian talking nonsense and forgetting what he said 3, Your name being Brian The Bum Bugles technical reporter suggests throwing away your phone and getting two paper cups and some string...

Mario Hussain

Its the news thats shocking the world. From secret stolen CIA and MI6 files it appears that Iraqi hide and seek champion Saddam Hussain and fat pseudo Italian plumber Mario are in fact siblings. The cheeky faced Mario said at a press conference that he is deeply ashamed of the fact that Saddam is his brother, especially due to the fact that he forgot his birthday last week. "Not even a bloody card" said a tear eyed Mario. When questioned about hidden weapons, Mario told reporters that when they were young together Saddam would always hide his toys and not tell him where they are. "He's just a big kid really" was Mario's closing comments

Yes another death. In the early hours of yesterday morning, Brian Montegue fell and tripped down his stairs landing in a crumpled messy heap at the bottom.

Brian gained recognition in the late 1970's by performing his famous trick with his face. Facial contortionist Brian amazed the paying public at festivals with his ability to turn his face into a variety of household objects including a mangle, a shoe horn and a bicycle clip. His most famous face was when he played the close up face of Sloth in the 1985 film "The Goonies" and also that of a small mangled piece of flesh in "Jaws". It was suspected that he was using his mobile phone at the time

RIP BRIAN. 1950 - 2003